Dear Black Couch,
My roommate and I used to be close, but now we barely talk. How do I repair the friendship without forcing it?”
Signed, Friendship Fixer
Dear Friendship Fixer,
It’s hard to go from being close to someone to not talking. There’s a fine line between fighting for a friendship and letting it go, but it’s hard to know which side of the line you should be on. I don’t have much context, so you will have to do some reflection on my words and see how they apply.
The first thing you need to do is think about who stepped away first. Was it you or them? Next, understand why. If it was you, think about why you pulled away if it was them, try to see things from their perspective. Once you’ve got that figured out, you can decide what you need to do from there. You must take baby steps to repair a friendship no matter the circumstance, but it’s helpful to understand how you got where you currently are. Extend the olive branch, maybe all you need to do is reach out! It can be as simple as asking how their day was, but you should also try to be specific, show you remember a previous conversation, it shows you care, and it helps conversation to flow.
Leave the room! Try to hang out with your roommate in a space other than your shared room. Sometimes you just need a change of scenery to grow in a relationship, any kind including friendships. Invite them to go on a walk or out to eat, maybe even invite them to join you doing something you love. Do not be afraid to be the first one reaching out to close the gap. The worst that can happen is you guys don’t repair the friendship, but you will at least have the peace of mind knowing that you tried to repair it.
Hebrews 10:24-25 says, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another.” This verse is meant to encourage you to reach out, and I hope it does! All the best to you and I hope you and your roommate can repair your relationship!
Dear Black Couch,
“My partner goes to a different college, and long-distance is getting harder. How do I know when it’s time to let go?”
Signed, Long-Distanced Lovebird
Dear Long-Distanced Lovebird,
Long-distance relationships are hard. I’ve seen many work out and many not work out. The outcome is up to whoever is in the relationship. The first thing you should do is pray and talk to God. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
God is there to listen and help. He wants to be involved in your life and even in your love life so let Him into your relationship. You both should pursue the Lord in your relationship and then each other. If you both chase after the Lord, your paths will cross since they have the same final destination. You both may have different paths and maybe even some pit stops along the way, but your end goal is the same, so focus on the finish line, and you will grow closer together. In addition to this, make sure you are both putting in effort. A relationship with no, or one-sided, effort is doomed to fail. This is because either both or neither of the people in that type of relationship aren’t happy.
Relationships aren’t always going to be happy, there will be fights and low points in a relationship, however what keeps the relationship still going is effort. It takes two people to keep a relationship going. Something to focus on when in a long-distance relationship is communication! Keep an open, honest line of communication with your partner, tell them about your day, about things you’ve been doing/thinking, and communicate concerns or problems in the relationship.
Next, make plans! You don’t have to be together 24/7, but it’s nice to still have date nights. This can be in person or online! We are living in a digital age where it’s so easy to find online date ideas and do them. This can help keep the energy of the relationship up and help with the overall health of it. A little effort, when coming from both ends, goes a long way. On the other hand, how do you know when to let go. Letting go of a relationship is hard, the longer you’ve been together, the more attached you are. The idea of letting go and starting over is scary but don’t let it trap you into an unhappy relationship. You should pray for clarity if you are unsure of what to do in the relationship.
One sign of needing to let go is that there is no longer that open communication. Talking with your partner should feel like pulling teeth or something you are dreading, for long distance you have no choice but to talk things out and if you can’t then that should be a sign. Another sign is that effort stops flowing. This can be from them and even yourself. If you notice a lack of effort, then address it with your partner and see if you guys can work it out. Remember it’s you and your partner versus the problem, not you versus your partner. If you can’t work it out, then that is another sign.
The most important sign is if either of you stops pursuing the Lord within your relationship. When you stop pursuing the same goal, you start going on different paths. Song of Solomon 8:6-7 says, “Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy as hard as the grave.” So, no matter what, keep your eyes set on the Lord, and his plan for you will fall into place. Whether it’s you and your partner staying together or you two breaking up, trust in the Lord because he knows what is best for you, and your hurt is only temporary. Two verses to look at are Proverbs 3:5-6, which says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight,” and 1 Chronicles 16:11: “Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.” All the best to you and I hope your long-distance relationship works out!
Dear Black Couch,
My roommate never cleans our shared space, and it is beginning to drive me crazy. I have tried to gently ask for some help, but I don’t want to be a pest or make things awkward. Any advice?
Signed, Cleaning-Crazed Roomie
Dear Cleaning Crazed Roomie,
Sounds like you have quite the problem at hand: you want a clean room, but you don’t want to be the only one putting in effort to clean the shared space. The way I see it, there are two things you can do. 1) Avoid potentially awkward conversations and continue to clean the shared space by yourself. 2) Talk with your roommate. I know that this confrontation seems scary and that it can be awkward, but how can your roommate know how you feel if you don’t tell them? It doesn’t have to be some big scary thing! It can be a simple “hey, would you mind helping me with cleaning the room up?” instead of taking it upon yourself to clean it alone. One thing that can help is to have a “chore chart.” You don’t have to keep a physical chart or list but, if you set aside specific chores for you and your roommate to do, that way they know what they have to do and that you won’t do it for them.
It is your shared space, so there should be equal effort to keep that space nice and neat. Don’t be afraid of that awkward conversation; the worst they can say is no! If that happens, then you should go see your RA and see what they have to say about your situation from there. Remember to speak kindly and use helpful critiques; reflect on Ephesians 4:29, which states, “Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.”. All the best to you, and I hope your situation gets resolved!
