Dear Black Couch,
My boyfriend said “I love you” to me and I feel the same but I think it’s too early to say it… what should I do? I do love him but I don’t want our relationship to feel rushed or not follow the normal timeline for relationships.
Sincerely, Unspoken Love
Dear Unspoken Love,
So your boyfriend told you he loves you, and you feel the same, but don’t want to rush things. It sounds like this can be stressful!
Let me first say congrats! He feels the same way as you, and now you know it, which is so exciting! Now, to address your concern, this is a tricky one because everyone has an idea of a timeline that tells you how a relationship should work. How long you should “talk,” when you should date, hold hands, kiss, and of course, when to say those three emotional and meaningful words, “I love you,” but just because we make up a timeline does that mean there is an actual set timeline that is correct? On the contrary to what most believe, there is not a set “perfect” timeline.
A good relationship isn’t based on time but instead on purpose and purity. The Bible doesn’t talk about what the right time is, but it does talk about the right love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 tells us all about the right love, saying “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.”
The whole idea of dating is to find that right love with the right person because the end goal is marriage. The Bible has many different examples of different timelines for dating, showing that time isn’t what matters in a relationship. Isaac and Rebekah from Genesis 24 got married almost instantly after their first meeting, and Jacob worked and waited for Rachel for a total of 14 years in Genesis 29. These relationships show that the timeline of a relationship can vary because there isn’t a “perfect timeline,” so why do we have the idea that there is one? This comes from purely human nature, originally starting when people started matchmaking to gain status or wealth.
The family set a timeline to ensure inheritance and survival. This was highly encouraged by the surrounding culture. From there, the arranged courtships and marriages turned into modern dating as people gained independence from their parents; however, the timeline followed this independence and quickly became a part of modern-day dating. So in reality, and in the Bible, the timeline is not the most important, so the best advice I can give you is to forget about following that timeline and follow what God and your heart tell you to decide your own timeline.
If those dating stepping stones happen when it feels right, then don’t wait for a “perfect” time because that time is when it feels right. If you want to say “I love you,” then say it when you feel like it’s right. If it feels too soon to you personally, then it’s perfectly okay not to say it. Just make sure you explain that you don’t want to rush things and reassure him that you care! Remember, you are not obligated to say or do something just because someone else did. Some verses to meditate on are Romans 12: 2 says “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” and Song of Solomon 8:4 says “Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, not to awaken love until the time is right.” Hope this helps ease any stress or confusion!
Sincerely,
The Black Couch
