by Bradley Jager
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is a poorly-written heretic who kills grandmas, is connected with the Confederacy, and should have never been trusted by Santa to lead the sleigh.
First introduced in 1939, Rudolph was an inexperienced and awkward teenager who would have never been needed on the sleigh team. He was only a safety hazard for Santa, the other reindeer, and Christmas as a whole.
According to EmailSanta.Com–the definitive source of all things Christmas–Santa is 1,753 years old. Meaning that Father Christmas has had well over a millennium and a half of Christmases under his belt. Why then, did Santa not have a contingency plan for how to deal with a fog on Christmas Eve? This is the most important night of his year, and are we to believe that Santa never once–in over a thousand years of traveling the whole planet–ever had to deal with fog? Did it really take Santa until 1939 to first encounter foggy weather? This man spends an entire year preparing for his one annual shift of work, so how did the idea of putting headlights on his magic sleigh never cross his mind?
By the time of Rudolph, modern airplanes had well begun to take shape. Although, with Santa clearly not knowing what fog is, I wouldn’t be surprised if he also was blind to the concept of airplanes and headlights as a whole.
Even if Santa never considered the idea of headlights, how come none of his team of slaves–sorry, ‘elves’–ever thought of them? Are we also going to ignore Santa’s forced child labor? How come Santa couldn’t have instructed his indentured servants to build him a light source for his sleigh? These children work all day, every day of the year creating millions of toys, so they would’ve been more than capable of putting together a basic flashlight for him to duct tape to the horns of Dasher.
Surely Santa’s elite team of forced craftsmanship would’ve been able to, at minimum, light a lantern for Santa’s sleigh. And to top this off, Santa is a creature of pure magic. Saint Nick absolutely could have conjured up some Christmas magic to clear his way through the storm, or maybe even summon himself up some headlights.
But no, good ol’ Saint Nick overlooked numerous reasonable options. Instead, Santa recruits a teenager with no experience to lead his trained reindeer equivalent to navy seals. Wild reindeer travel in packs of 50,000 to half a million, meaning Santa had plenty of options for his sleigh team, and would’ve only taken the best of the best. The iconic lineup with Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and the others would have been training year-round to be the most elite team of flyers possible. So why, then, would Santa put a child in charge of this team? This is the equivalent of the United States sending a Cocker Spaniel with a gun to lead Seal Team Six. Rudolph was nowhere near the level of prepared, educated, or equipped as the rest of the team, much less to be the leader. His leadership and inexperience are a safety hazard for everyone involved, including Santa.
Nathaniel Dominy, an anthropology professor at Dartmouth College, published a scholarly paper on the properties of reindeer’s cardiovascular systems. Dominy determines that Rudolph is a ticking time bomb, just waiting to die of heart attack and frostbite.
Reindeer have adapted to preserve energy by having extremely efficient and tiny blood vessels in their noses. These veins move blood sparingly to preserve body heat for the more vital organs. Rudolph, then, would have an extremely energy-inefficient nose. The amount of heat his nose would need in order to glow like a red hot would be outrageous. Rudolph is both overworking his heart by overusing the veins in his nose and losing way too much heat to survive. His vital organs would be left to freeze over and fail, just so that his glowing red clown nose could earn this narcissistic brat more attention.
Putting a dying child at the forefront of Santa’s fleet is a risky move. What would happen to Christmas if Rudolph suddenly died mid-flight over the Atlantic? Is Santa really willing to risk Christmas over a mild feel-good story? Clearly Santa in his old age is starting to lose his grip on reality. It might be time to retire Santa from his term and elect some new, younger, leadership.
The original book of Rudoph was denied publishing several times across the 1930’s. Coincidentally, during the Great Depression, red noses were a common symbol of drunkenness and alcoholism. That’s right: Rudolph’s red nose may be an allegory for drinking yourself to death. The story was thought of by publishers as a way to inspire Americans to get a job and stop drinking. However, Rudolph keeps his red nose even after getting a job, implying that he is still very drunk while at work. This means that good ol’ Saint Nick is being flown around by a drunk deer. This drunk driving is probably why Rudoph “allegedly” ran over a grandma in 1979.
Hit and runs on innocent grandmas aren’t the only way Rudolph commits his murders. A short look at cancer rates in the United States will lead you to the conclusion that Rudoph is the sole cause of the sharp growth in cancer-related deaths from 1939 to 2024, with cancer going from a rare phenomenon to one of the world’s top causes of death. Rudolph is knowingly dosing the entire planet with his portable nuclear reactor every single year. That glowing nose has to have been emitting some level of toxic radiation to children across the world. Surely some scientist would have asked Santa for a Geiger counter by now and given Saint Nick a warning.
However, the worst of Rudolph’s crimes is his demonic intentions against Christianity. Rudolph represents everything that is wrong with American Corporate Christmas. We as Christians are supposed to reflect on the grace and love of the Lord our God, but instead, Rudolph deceives us to focus on him and forget about baby Jesus. What message does it send to non-believers when the church focuses more on a deformed deer than our own God? Rudolph is likely a demonic corporate plant being pushed on the Christian youth to indoctrinate them and lead them astray. God used a talking donkey only once in the Bible; if he wanted more magical animals He would’ve created more. God gave man and man only the ability to speak and reason, not any other animal. The existence of Rudolph is an affront to God, and Rudolph is most likely a Nephilim sent by Satan himself. This could possibly explain why Rudolph and his family have deep ties to the Confederacy.
You know Dasher, Dancer, Prancer Vixion, but do you recall… the most redneck reindeer of all? Meet Rudoph’s Cousin, Leroy the Redneck Reindeer. In 1995, famous country singer Joe Diffie released a song called “Leroy the Redneck Reindeer.” The song starts out by letting us know that good ol’ Rudolph has gotten sick–likely from a heart attack, or radiation poisoning. On Rudolph’s one day of work a year, he calls in his cousin Leroy and asks him to fill in in the front of the sleigh. So Leroy pulls up in his pickup truck to Santa’s workshop and tows Santa’s sleigh through the night sky. But one lyric in the song stands out: “Santa wrapped his bag with the dixie flag.”
The story goes that Leroy convinced Santa to embrace the redneck lifestyle so much that Santa became a Confederate and started walking around holding a giant sack with the Confederate flag wrapped on it. Rudolph, then, is a direct cause for the expansion of slavery into the North Pole and likely was a Confederate horse during the Civil War.
Why are we as Christians singing a song glorifying a demonic nuclear reactor that supports slavery? If you are just looking for a feel-good and well-animated Christmas movie, then instead of promoting a drunk, grandma-killing slave owner, you could try watching “The Polar Express,” widely agreed to be the best Christmas movie of all time.
Quick Recap:
- How is this Santa’s first-ever fog storm?
- Been doing this for hundreds of years
- Needed a skincare routine
- Santa should’ve had a headlight
- Planes in 1939 had lights
- He has an army of slaves who can make anything
- How did no kid ask for a flashlight
- How did he not have a lantern
- Santa is magic
- Rudolph is a hazard
- Making him the team lead is a danger to the team
- Youngest child
- Blinded the deer
- Going to die from heat exhaustion
- Possible radiation poisoning
- He’s a drunk
- Killed your grandma
- Biblical approach
- Corporate Christmas
- Shouldn’t we look to Jesus for joy?
- Hearsay
- God used a talking donkey once; if he wanted more then he would have made them
- We didn’t need a cinematic universe (brief)
- The sequel and crossovers
- The story was written in Michigan
- Leroy The Redneck Reindeer
- Conclusion:
- Santa should have never given command of his sacred missions of joy to a drunk driving safety hazard of a teenager
- If you’re looking for a feel-good Christmas movie with morals of loving the less fortunate, then consider the best Christmas movie ever made- The Polar Express
