Dear Black Couch,
I have a “friend” who is more of an acquaintance to me, but she seems to think we are much closer. For example, I was talking with some friends one day when she came up and joined our conversation. That was fine, but before she left, she hugged me, said goodbye and told me she loved me.
We are definitely not close friends, so I didn’t realize she might see our relationship differently. I feel awkward now, and I’m not sure what to do. Is it un-Christian to tell her we aren’t close? I still want to be kind and caring, but I would like a little space. Is that bad?
Sincerely,
Friend of a Friend
Dear Friend of a Friend,
When someone sees a friendship as closer than you do, it can feel both affirming and uncomfortable. You are not a bad person for wanting some space.
Boundaries are a normal, healthy part of any relationship, and it makes sense that a hug or an expression of love might feel uncomfortable when you don’t see the friendship in the same way.
You don’t need to sit her down and tell her you aren’t close friends. That could hurt her feelings without addressing what actually makes you uncomfortable.
Instead, think about the specific boundary you want to set. If she hugs you and you would rather not be hugged, for example, you could gently say, “I’m not much of a hugger, but it’s good to see you.”
If you do need a longer conversation, focus on how you feel rather than what she has done wrong. Using “I” statements, such as “I feel uncomfortable with hugs,” can help you speak honestly without sounding accusatory. Scripture also offers guidance for this situation (well, for every situation):
Colossians 4:6 says, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”
Ephesians 4:15 encourages us to speak “the truth in love.” You can be truthful about your boundaries while still treating her with gentleness and care.
It is OK if you do not feel as close to her as she feels to you. Setting a kind boundary is not un-Christian. I pray that you both approach any conversation with open hearts.
Sincerely,
The Black Couch
Dear Black Couch,
My roommate and I are super close, and I love her dearly. We live in an apartment and share a shower, but she always leaves her hair on the shower walls. It grosses me out, and it feels disrespectful of our shared space. How do I tell her it bothers me and ask her to stop?
Sincerely,
Rattled Roommate
Dear Rattled Roommate,
You care about your roommate, but you also want to feel comfortable in the space you share. That is a reasonable concern.
Before you talk with her, decide exactly what you want to ask. The issue is straightforward: You would like her to remove her hair from the shower walls when she finishes. She may be putting it there to keep it out of the drain and then forgetting to clean it up. Whatever the reason, you can bring it up without assuming she means to be inconsiderate.
Try saying something like, “I’ve noticed hair left on the shower walls, and it bothers me. Could you please clear it off when you’re done?” This tells her how you feel and gives her a simple way to fix the problem.
Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
A direct, gentle conversation gives you the best chance of solving this before it becomes a bigger frustration.
Sincerely,
The Black Couch
Dear Black Couch,
My very good friend just broke up with her boyfriend so she’s trying hard to get past it. Truth is, they were awfully toxic together, and she said he was jealous and possessive (but I never saw that). Maybe they just weren’t a good fit.
Here’s where I need advice: She says she will never want to go out with him again, and I have always kind of liked him. He asked me out this weekend, and I really want to say yes. What would you do?
Sincerely,
Sleepless in Shawnee
Dear Sleepless,
While I absolutely think you should not assume you know someone’s character based on one person’s conclusion/opinion, this is a dicey situation for so many reasons.
One, let’s say they were just a bad fit and he wasn’t jealous and possessive — this is still kind of a taboo area. In most cases, the bestie’s ex is off limits. Do you value this friendship? If so, I would not only take a LONG PAUSE before acting, I’d be honest with your friend.
Second, do you trust your friend? Has she been honest with you in the past? Do you trust her opinion of people and events? If she has been honest and forthcoming in the past, why would she tell you he was controlling and overly jealous if that were not true? Do you really want to chance it?
And let’s say she simply misconstrued his behavior and ascribed malicious intent where there was none — you said they “just” broke up … so do you really want to risk the pain you might cause the bestie?
I’m all for giving people chances and embracing possibility, but the potential here is you will really hurt someone you care for and might end up hurt in the long run.
