Ring By Spring: A Modest Proposal

By: Bradley Jager
As students at Christian college, the men of OBU are held to a higher standard and ordained to complete a sacred mission. The men of OBU are called by God to
complete “Ring by Spring.”

Freshmen at OBU are led by the Holy Spirit to find God’s chosen soulmate within their first few months of college. However, it is a melancholy reality for many freshmen here on campus that spring is just around the corner, and freshmen are almost out of time to rush head-first into an overly serious relationship.

OBU is more than a month into the school year and an alarming zero freshmen have gotten engaged. This is an outrage and should be causing mass levels of panic. Now is the time for young Christian men to be popping the question to the nearest single woman.

As our nation starts to stagnate and decline, we need young men to step up (or rather get down on a knee) and be bold leaders. The United States of America is entering a new era of declining birth rates, which will inevitably lead to the collapse of the American population, the downfall of America, and the rise of total communism around the globe. It is the duty of young Christians to prevent global communism and protect freedom by getting married young and procreating.

To the freshman men of OBU: it is time to take our heavenly mission to heart. OBU has far more female students than male, meaning your odds have never–and will never–be better than they are today. The freshman women of OBU are eagerly waiting for you to walk up and interrupt their studies, confidently introduce yourself with a googled pickup line, then pop down on one knee and ask them to spend the rest of their lives looking after you.

Timothy 4:12 says:

“Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.”

Paul is very clearly affirming that, as young men, we are not to be bothered when we are looked down upon by our parents and elders for rushing into these relationships. In fact, Paul cleary said that we are to set an example when it comes to love. God has given us the ability to set the example and reinforce the dying idea of the “Ring by Spring.”

According to Christianity.com, Mary, the mother of Jesus, was the same age as the average college student, meaning there is a clear biblical precedent for young, swift relationships. If God didn’t want us to date young, why would he use young people in his book? Forget becoming a godly man first; the priority should be becoming a married man first.

There is no example in the Bible of any Christ-like men living a long, happy, unmarried life. Every time the Bible has an unmarried character, they die a horrific and painful death. Jesus was crucified, Paul was regularly whipped, beaten, and eventually stabbed. John the Baptist was jailed and later beheaded. However, King Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines, and lived a life of wealth and wisdom. Solomon was blessed directly by God with immense wisdom. Clearly the story of king Soloman shows that relationships directly equal prosperity. God made us as humans designed to be happier in relationships together. For example, Genesis 2:18 says:

“Then the Lord God said “It is not good that the man should be
alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

Then God created Eve for Adam and they were immediately married. Christian men today should learn two major things from the story of Genesis and marry as soon as they find the one that they think God has made for them. Secondly, men today should also learn from the book of Genesis to not listen to their wives, as Eve is entirely to blame for the fall of man.

More importantly, “Ring by Spring” requires you to be engaged by springtime. OBU men are running out of time to complete their God-given right to marry a random woman. Think about it for a moment. OBU is already a full month into its school year, and with the several breaks in the academic calendar, there is little to no total time left until spring. After taking out weekends, holidays, and breaks you really only have close to two months until 2025 and the beginning of spring. Meaning that you should have already started planning your future with God’s chosen one for you.

Spring is far closer than you think. Men, if you have yet to meet the one for you, as promised by movies and the stories of our lead-filled grandparents, then it is time to panic.
I suggest that you start skipping your classes and begin shirtlessly walking around campus, in hopes of attracting a mating partner. If you are one of the many men who are not pleasant to look at while shirtless, then please keep your shirts on. Instead try serenading WMU late at night with live guitar music or by singing the national anthem. If all else fails you can try to fascinate a woman by offering her a block of cheese.

For anyone who has begun talking with a lady friend, you will want to speed things up. Consider walking up to them and asking about their ring size, or what they would like to name your children together. If she makes comments to you asking you to “slow down” or “please go away,” then consider moving on to the next option, or coming back later with your previously googled pick-up line. This method of shirtless cheese, rushed commitments, and pickup lines is proven to rizz up the women in bulk.

Men of OBU, there is no time at all left. You must rush into a relationship with the
nearest woman. Forgo spending time together, forget about growing spiritually with God
or getting an education or becoming a better person. Your only goal should be: “Ring by
Spring.” Of course if this rushed, unbiblical, hurtful, and mildly sexist logic seems flawed to you then maybe you could try trusting in God, and handing over your desires and your loneliness to Him. You should probably try building up real friendships with the people around you, respecting women, working on your education, keeping your shirt on, and just becoming a better person.

And if not, then stick with the cheese.